Tonight is the season finale of LOST.  It will be a two-hour extravaganza.  I am already forewarned that it will suck.  So be it.

I will be planted on my living room couch (aka sofa) from 9:00 pm until it ends.  I will not answer the telephone.  I will not take bathroom breaks.  I may eat snacks, but they must be placed in front of me before the show begins.  I will be riveted to the flat screen like Jimmy Jet and His TV Set (thank you very much Shel Silverstein).

I can not wait.  I am a total dork.

Here’s what I expect to happen…

With the help of Richard and the Others (and Kate and Sayid), Ben and John and Hurley will be rescued at the Orchid.  The freighter felons will escape (mostly alive) in the helicopter and head back to the ship, where Desmond is clearing the decks in anticipation of a brutal blast. Fortunately, due to the time distortion, it will take the freighter fiends a freaking lifetime to get to the ship. Meanwhile, Jack and Sawyer are working their way to the Orchid, where they hear the gunfire and run to the rescue that is already in progress.  Ben tells Richard to take the others and anyone else who wants to go back to the Temple (or maybe they all just stay at the orchid).  Meanwhile, Faraday is boating as many of the Oceanic survivors as possible back to the shore again.  He returns to the s hip one last time and everyone except Desmond is loaded onto the raft.  Desmond is staying; he is never stepping foot back on the island.  But just as they disappear into the mist, the helicopter arrives to initiate protocol 3 (that’s right, they’re going to blow up the freighter).  Back at the Orchid, Jack and Sawyer are flexing their egos, where they learn from Ben that John Locke is going to move the island.  Jack and Sawyer take off after John and catch up to him at the computer, where he is planning to move the island.  Eventually, all the island inhabitants end up at the Orchid, where Ben will attempt to shepherd everyone to safety.  “We’re running out of time people.” (get it?) Anyway, Someone realizes that the raft is still on the shore and that at least 6 people (and a couple days supplies) can leave the island before the island leaves them.  After way too much angst, hugging and kissing, the Oceanic 6 head off, board the raft and begin motoring away.  Back at the Orchid, John and Ben stand over the computer.  Locke enters the fateful numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23, 42… and nothing happens. “You just don’t get it, do you John?” Ben chides, pushing Locke aside and tapping back into the computer with a new set of numbers. The building begins to shake, Johns gets concerned, the magnetic explosion shoots into the sky…  cut to the raft where the Oceanic 6 are looking at the island as it suddenly disappears before their eyes.  Back into the breach once more, Ben smiling slyly at John, “I’ve got the feeling were not in Kansas anymore John.”  “What did you do? Where are we going?”  “Well,” says Ben, “there’s no place like home.”